It can be painful to be in a situation where your teenage daughter hates you but loves her dad. Depending on your situation, it can make things even more difficult. For example, if you and your husband are separated it can hurt to be in this situation.
It is completely normal to have your teenage daughter like one parent more than another. Hate happens to be an overused word when you’re a teen. What your daughter may mean is dad lets me get away with more so I like him more.
In many cases, one parent is known more as the disciplinary parent and the other is the more lax parent. If you are the disciplinary parent, I can almost guarantee you will be liked less by your children, especially while there are teenagers.
The good news is your daughter does not actually hate you and love her dad. She loves you both more than she knows. It’s just during these years, teens are more likely to side with the less strict and more lenient parent. If her dad said no to her as much as you did she would hate you both. The bad news is there is a good chance she will continue “hating you” for a few more years.
There are things you can do to continue building your relationship with your daughter even through these more difficult years.
Why Your Daughter Hates You
Before we can even begin suggesting ways to bond with your daughter better, you need to first find out why she hates you.
As I mentioned earlier, it is most likely the typical phase that most teens go through where they hate all authority, and at this point in her life, you’re an authority. Even though her father is considered an authority in her life, he may not act like it.
Although this is the most likely case, there are exceptions out there. Parents can be unreasonable at times.
Are you being unfair or particularly harsh on your daughter? This can be a difficult question to answer because most parents are not aware of their own parenting faults.
Consider asking the opinion of other parents and friends. Sometimes you just need an objective view.
Sometimes we honestly believe what we are doing is the right way to be parent. In reality we could be doing things we are not even aware of that is hurting our teens.
We are all learning as we go.
I’m not trying to scare you into thinking this your fault, chances are it’s not but are you making it easier for your daughter to hate you by being unreasonable.
Teens are already looking for any reason to hate us
How to Bond With a Daughter Who Hates You
Bonding or building a relationship with your daughter while she hates you is difficult. What teen wants to spend time with their parents. This is the last stage in their life where we are the authority figure. They think we are standing between them and freedom. In reality, we just want them to learn the skills needed because soon they will be on their own.
When it comes to spending time with a teenager, you have to do things that they will enjoy in order to actually get them out of the door. I’ve been to more Ariana Grande concerts than I care to admit. The goal is to get them so excited about the activity, they forget that their mother is coming along.
Bonding is so much easier when there is an activity involved. It takes off some of the pressure.
The reality is, in most cases, a teenage daughter and her mother can only get so close. Most relationships between mothers and daughters develop as the teen moves into her 20s. Once you are no longer control their day to day activities, it is easy to have a conversation with one adult to another.
The reason she may have an easier time bonding with her father is that he is most likely less strict in certain aspects of her life. Many fathers (including my husband) default with the “ask your mother” response when asked anything. The issue is when she comes to me, and I have to say no, I’m the bad guy.
Encourage your husband to actually make a decision when he is asked about something. I always tell my husband, if you know I’m going to say no, don’t say “ask your mother”, say “no”.
FAQ
Here are some common questions asked my mothers when dealing with a situation in which their daughter hates them but loves their dad.
1. What Do I Do If Me and My Husband are Divorced?
If you and your daughter’s father are no longer together, things can get a bit more complicated. She may want to live with her father if it came down to it.
Closely follow the steps we suggest for bonding with your daughter. Hopefully, it’ll never come to this but if she is in a situation where she is going to choose between you or her father, you want to have a relationship with her.
2. Should I Just Be More Lenient?
Well, not necessarily. Take a hard objective look at your parenting style and how strict you are.
Whether or not you should be more lenient with your daughter depends on how strict you are now. Always learn and try to improve you’re parenting style. Parents, including myself, make the mistake of just assume their style of parenting is the best when in reality none of us are parenting perfectly, we just do our best and learn along the way.
3. Why Does My Daughter Lover Her Father but Hates Me?
This is a difficult question to answer without knowing your exact family dynamics. In most situations, it is either that you are the more strict parent and her father is easier going or you have done something to make her feel this way.
If you have done something to make her angry with you chances are, you’d know.
4. How Long Will My Daughter Hate Me?
Again that is heavily dependent on the exact family dynamics. In many cases, you and your daughter won’t be able to form a real meaningful relationship until she is older. I didn’t build a relationship with my mother until I had my first child.
Final Thoughts
Chances are your daughter does not really hate you. She hates authority and you are the figure of authority in her life. The words of a teenager still sting, I know, but they love us more than they let on.
Just because your teenage daughter says she hates you but loves her dad, does not mean she means it.