You are FINALLY having a baby! You and your husband have been dreaming about when this idea would become a reality, but that’s the problem.
You have both built up a fantasy in your mind about what this little person would be like, who they become, and in what ways they will be like you.
Unfortunately, sometimes this vision of your little one does not come true, which can lead to a slew of emotions. If your husband doesn’t want a daughter, there could be some genuine reasons behind this feeling of rejection towards your unborn baby.
What Is Gender Disappointment?
“’Gender disappointment‘ is the feeling of sadness when a parent’s strong desire for a child of a certain sex is not realized.”
This sentiment is actually quite common, and while it is not deemed a mental illness, it can lead to depression and feelings of resentment towards the spouse and the baby. Here are the top reasons that gender disappointment occurs and how to handle this scenario.
Unachieved Dreams
The idea of the perfect family is different for every person. Your husband not wanting a daughter can be caused by unachieved dreams.
Even if you and your spouse are both on the same page about having children, many men feel that it is required of them to have a son to pass on the family name — a legacy of sorts. This is only accentuated by the dream of playing catch with their little boy and bonding over his favorite pastimes.
One of the main problems with this dream is the construct that only those of a specific sex can partake in certain activities. Ballet, dolls, and tea parties seem to always come to mind when you mention a little girl. This societal belief is termed ‘gender essentialism’.
While many little girls do tend to love these sorts of activities, there is also a large majority of girls who are natural tomboys. Nonetheless, this notion of having a son to share his passions with and relate to is hard to let go of and can lead to extreme disappointment.
How To Cope
This does not mean that he does not want to have a daughter, it just means he may need some time to readjust his view of the future. It is extremely important that you see this scenario through his eyes.
His dream of having a son has been lost (at least in this moment). Moreover, if he ever paid attention in biology, then he is likely also feeling inadequate about his ability to produce a son, since the man determines the sex of the child.
Let him grieve this loss. Be empathetic towards his emotions and feelings. Remind him that those ideas can still be a reality with his daughter.
Then, when some time has passed, consider reaching out to family members and friends who have daughters and let him have a chance to interact with them. This may help to change his perspective and get him excited about your impending bundle of joy!
Parental Competency
Another reason why your husband might not want a daughter is because he might be worried that he will not be a good “girl dad”. This seems silly, but for those who never grew up with a sister or female role models, he may genuinely not know how to interact with this child.
This can cause extreme anxiety and self-doubt. Unfortunately, while these are legitimate feelings, many people do not know how to express them.
In addition, he may not want you to see him in a vulnerable state when he is supposed to be the ‘sensible’ person during the pregnancy.
Have him become familiar
Again, giving your husband avenues to practice being a girl dad is a fantastic start. Have a family member or friend reach out and ask for help.
This could be as a last-minute babysitter or helping to build his niece a treehouse. No matter what, the more you familiarize yourself with something, the more comfortable you will become.
Moreover, consider signing up for a birthing class at your local hospital.
While he may not be interested in how the birthing process goes, these courses also go over infant CPR, breastfeeding basics and how the dad can be involved, the process of bathing the baby and changing their diaper, along with other helpful information that can ease them into this new role.
Additionally, once your beautiful baby girl is born, there are classes that dads can take on their own to help ease them into fatherhood and give them a chance to talk to other men who are going through the same experience.
This can help to extinguish their fear of failure and give them the confidence they need to take on this new role.
Social Pressures
Gender disappointment can also arise when a person comes from a certain background. Specific cultures limit the number of children a family can have and they put pressure on couples to produce a male heir.
Think of the British Royal Family, but on a smaller scale. This pressure can also lead to insecurities about his ability as a man and feelings of failure.
Remind your spouse that while these customs were more accepted in years past, this is your life and your baby. No one should dictate anything, but the two of you and your doctor.
Moreover, while gender is dependent on the chromosome that the male contributes, he has no actual control of what happens during conception. Stressing over things you cannot control is a recipe for insanity. Help him realize that having a daughter can be a blessing for your family.
Additional Ways To Handle Your Husband Not Wanting A Daughter
Unlike in years past, there are tests that allow parents to find out the sex of the baby as early as 10 weeks. For those men who seem to be fixated on having a boy, it is highly recommended that you figure out this detail sooner rather than later.
This can give him time to cope and become comfortable with the idea of having another little lady in the house.
Furthermore, consider talking to a therapist to find alternative ways to work through these emotions. This can be done individually or you can do it as a couple.
During these sessions, he might also discover other subconscious reasons for this discontent towards the idea of a daughter.
However, if he is not a fan of therapy, then try to find time to have an open and honest conversation about his feelings. Remember to keep your judgments at the door.
This may be what you have always wanted, but there are plenty of women who experience gender disappointment as well.
Talk about all the great women in society
A conversation you can have with your husband about this issue is to point out how much importance women serve to society. At the end of the day, we need women for many different things that make this world a better place.
They serve as caretakers for the majority of children and the elder. They also lead in the education sector as teachers and caregivers.
There are many things that females can do just like males so staying positive and having an optimistic mindset will serve you better than being down just because it’s a gender that was not expected.
Related: Roles and responsibilities for a mother and father
Final Thoughts – husband doesn’t want a daughter
It is likely that decades went by before you met your spouse and started trying to build a life together. While we would like to assume that we know everything about our husbands, there are many details that he has likely kept buried.
Atticus Finch, the main character in To Kill A Mockingbird, stated “you never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
This astute postulation is a very important lesson to remember throughout life. If you have experienced the loss of a baby girl in years past or he experienced physical or emotional abuse as a child at the hand of a woman, he may have a negative view of having a daughter.
While this seems irrational, it is a legitimate sentiment that he is allowed to feel. Remember to always step back and look at the big picture. Most of the time, there is a reasonable explanation for everything.