Unfortunately, you are in a situation where your boyfriend’s grown daughter is manipulative. This can be quite an issue for relationships. Harmony between you and your boyfriend’s daughter is important especially if she is older.
If the man you are dating has a grown daughter that is manipulating you or your boyfriend, that needs to be addressed before the relationship with your boyfriend can move forward. These types of situations, if not handled properly can fester into resentment and even more manipulation down the line.
Dealing With Boyfriend’s Daughter’s Manipulation
This situation needs to be handled delicately in order for you to maintain a healthy relationship with both your boyfriend and his daughter. Here is how to handle your boyfriend’s manipulative daughter.
1. Get the Manipulation Noticed
Next time your boyfriend’s daughter is manipulating you, your boyfriend, or even someone unrelated, be sure to point it out to your boyfriend. You are going to need his help in tackling this issue and therefore need him to notice the issue too.
Do not try to approach her alone. The first step is just getting you and your boyfriend on the same page so you guys can come up with a strategy together. He knows his daughter much better than you do and you need him there when you have a conversation with her.
Collect 3-4 incidents in which your boyfriend’s daughter has manipulated someone or a situation. Denial is the most common response so collect information of situations so that she won’t be able to deny it so you guys can actually address the issue.
This is not an us-verses-her situation. Having that mentality is a quick way to start arguments. Also, I hate to say it but if things get bad enough and he has to choose between you and his daughter, good chance he is going to choose his daughter. No matter how in the wrong she may be, she is his child and he will always care for her more than his partner.
2. Have a Conversation
Although you are going to be confronting her about the situation, we want to keep the conversation as civil as possible. It’s easy to come out guns blazing with accusations about the way she has been acting, that is a fast way to start an argument rather than a productive conversation.
The point of this conversation is going to be explaining to her how her behavior has hurt both her dad and you. Tell her situations in which you felt like she was manipulating and why you believe she should stop.
Let your boyfriend do most of the talking. He has a stronger bond with her and hopefully is more likely to get a positive response from her.
3. Get to Know your Boyfriend’s Daughter
Whether the conversation is enough to get her to stop or not, you need to make an effort to get to know your boyfriend’s daughter more. Have that relationship with her that is independent of her dad will decrease her manipulation (or at least her manipulation towards you).
Subconsciously your boyfriend’s daughter sees you as competition for your boyfriend’s affection and attention. The goal of getting to know her is for her to stop seeing you as someone that is competing for her dad’s attention and start seeing you as a friend. You may have no interest in being her friend but that is the best way to stop the manipulation.
Also, if you plan on forming a long term relationship with your boyfriend that has any chance of turning into a marriage one day, you need to be on good terms with your boyfriend’s family, which includes his daughter.
You don’t need to be best friends with his daughter but you will need to be on good terms with her. You will be seeing her at family gatherings probably many times a year. It is unrealistic to think that you can continue a healthy relationship with your boyfriend while his daughter dislikes or is manipulating you.
Also by getting to know her you are more likely to find out the reason behind the manipulation. Chances are it’s deeper than she just does not like you. In many cases, there is are deeper, more profound reasons why she is engaging in manipulating behavior towards you and your boyfriend.
How to Stop Your Boyfriend’s Grown Daughter from Manipulating You
If you feel as if your boyfriend’s daughter is manipulating you, there are some things you can do to make sure that this behavior is not continued into the future. Depending on how “grown” his daughter really is, these tactics may vary.
Confrontation
from my experience confrontation is a surprisingly good way to get people to stop manipulating. This works best for people that fear confrontation in general. The more they fear confrontation the more this method is effective and trust me, more people fear confrontation than you may think.
This strategy may be tough if you yourself would fear confronting your boyfriend’s daughter about the situation.
By simply calling her out about her behavior it is quite possible she will stop the manipulation. If not, you may have to resort to more extreme measures. Be sure to always keep her father involved in any kind of confrontation or conversation because as I mentioned earlier, he knows how to deal with her better than anyone.
Kill Her With Kindness
Another great way to get your partner’s daughter to stop manipulating you is to simply kill her with kindness. No matter how she is behaving, make an effort to show her kindness and respect. Although it may physically hurt sometimes, eventually she will have to stop her behavior.
It is very difficult to miss treat someone when they are kind to you. Be sure not to come off as fake or sarcastic. Just simply continue to be kind to her and there is a strong possibility that the manipulation towards you will stop.
Avoid Her
This is the least desirable and last resort to dealing with your boyfriend’s daughter’s manipulative behavior. Especially because she is grown, she should no longer be relying on her father financially or for housing. If that is the case, see the FAQ below.
The reality is, if you can not get her to stop her behavior through the other methods mentioned above, your only choice would be limiting your contact with her. Explain to your boyfriend that you are not looking for any trouble and do not like the actions of his daughter and would therefore like to limit contact.
FAQ
Here are some frequently asked questions when it comes to dating someone with a grown manipulative child.
What if my boyfriend’s grown manipulative daughter lives with him?
More than ever young adults are living with their parents, so it is actually quite likely that his manipulative daughter actually lives with him. This makes the situations much more tricky. It is much more important for you to build that harmony with his daughter.
Try to limit your time at his house and keep the sleep overs and home dinners to your place. Follow the steps above to try to stop the behavior.
Should I make my boyfriend choose between her or me?
Do not give him an ultimatum. There is a very good chance he will choose his child over you. Don’t be surprised by this either. He would be doing the right thing by prioritizing his relationship with his daughter over his relationship with you.
Why is she being manipulative?
There are many reasons she could be acting this way. Finding out why she is being manipulative could be a great way to come to a better solution. Here are some of the most common reasons she could be acting this way.
- Her father is not giving her enough attention.
- She may want you and her father to break up.
- She is manipulating for a certain goal.
- Manipulating is common behavior for her.
Most likely it will be difficult to identify the root cause for the behavior but if you can it will guide you on how to prevent manipulating behavior in the future.
What to do if my boyfriend’s daughter is ruining our relationship?
If your boyfriend’s daughter is ruining your relationship through manipulation or any other behavior, you need to have a conversation with her and her father immediately. Do your best to be nonconfrontation. Be sincere and understanding but take a stand. Allowing this behavior to continue puts your relationship with your boyfriend in jeopardy.
Should I marry a man with a manipulative daughter?
I hate to say this but you should certainly take it into consideration. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “You’re not just marrying that person, you are marrying their family also”. If your soon-to-be husband’s daughter is being manipulative, my advice would be to solve the issue before you make a lifelong commitment with your boyfriend and his family.
I would not pull the trigger on the relationship until the manipulation and hostility has been addressed and resolved.
Conclusion
Dating someone with a manipulative daughter is tricky. You need to address the behavior without harming the relationship. Especially if she is hurting your relationship it can be tempting to lash out against her.
Remain composed and follow the steps above to deal with this behavior. There is a delicate balance between standing up for yourself and being kind.