She is the apple of his eye and she likely has him wrapped around her little finger. The relationship between a dad and a daughter is an extremely important bond. Naturally, the entrance of a new female figure in the mix can cause stress and resentment. However, if you start thinking “I can’t stand my boyfriend’s daughter”, what can you do to change these feelings and keep your relationship solid?
One of the most important factors that takes place in this situation is the age of the daughter.
When you say you “can’t stand someone”, it can mean many different things. She can be a 4-year-old that makes annoying noises or a 16-year-old that has an attitude. Both scenarios can make you “not stand” the daughter.
With that being said, the way you need to approach this situation depends on the age of the daughter. This is important because different problems are solved with different solutions. You can’t expect to solve this issue if you don’t take a deep dive into why you can’t stand her and what steps you can take to at least find some tolerance.
If She Is Young
If the daughter is young, this can be an easier situation to deal with.
Talk to your boyfriend and let him know that some of the things his daughter does are annoying you. Explain what she does and why it is annoying you.
It can be things like making unnecessary noises, leaving a mess behind, causing a disturbance around the house, or many more other things.
Even though she is young and does not understand what she is doing, there should be a way to make her stop her annoying tactics. See what you and the husband can come up with so that her annoying tactics don’t cause disturbance anymore.
- Have a talk with the daughter and explain that she is doing certain things that is causing an annoyance
- Let her know that it if someone asks her to stop doing certain things because it is casusing a disturbcane, she should understand and listen.
- if she keeps causing a disturbcne, let her know that there will be consequences placed.
If you can’t stand your boyfriend’s daughter while she is still young, you will have a bigger problem as she gets older so making sure to take care of this issue soon is important.
If She Is Older
1. Talk To Your Significant Other
This person is a permanent part of their existence. They are never going away.
However, if there is contention between you, this issue needs to be addressed. The first question to ask yourself is why can you not stand your boyfriend’s daughter? Determine what she is doing to cause you to have these feelings and then delicately bring up the issue with your boyfriend.
Attitude
If your boyfriend’s daughter is treating you with disrespect or is acting out when you are around, find a time when she is not around so you can speak with your boyfriend privately about her attitude.
Remember to not be accusatory, but instead state your feelings and describe different exchanges that the two of you have had that demonstrate her inappropriate actions.
Explain that you want to build a solid foundation with both him and his child, but it has been difficult with her constantly pushing you away.
Personality
This is the unfortunate part of dating someone with a child. You can be the perfect match for this person, but there is no guarantee that you will mesh well with their kids. While this can be quite frustrating, this difference of character is something that is not going to change.
We are not destined to like every person in this world. Thus, you need to decide if you love your boyfriend enough to work on building a better relationship with his child. While you may never become best friends with this person, you can create a positive rapport with his daughter to allow for the three of you to coexist happily.
Once you determine if you want this to be a long-term relationship, talk to your boyfriend about his daughter’s likes and dislikes. Try to find a commonality that you can use to strengthen your relationship.
IMPORTANT NOTE: While you may not be able to stand your boyfriend’s daughter, if the reason for this feeling is personality AND you hope to stay in this relationship, do not share your feelings. It will likely drive a wedge between the two of you.
2. Talk To Your Boyfriend’s Daughter
If your boyfriend has taken the time to address negative behaviors and his daughter is still acting out, then it is your turn to take some initiative. When she starts to become disrespectful towards you, calmly ask her why she is treating you this way.
Sometimes sugar coating things is not the answer. Instead, by blatantly addressing the problem head-on, you can cause the child to think about her actions and the repercussions behind them. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself and for the respect that you deserve.
Moreover, explain to her that you want to have a positive relationship with her. Also, make it clear that your intentions are never to replace her biological parent. You just love her father and you want to make him happy.
3. Ensure Daddy Daughter Time Stays Intact
Many times, the entrance of a significant other draws the attention away from the child.
Feelings of neglect can have a powerful effect on a kid. Unlike an adult, children are not always able to rationalize why things may be occurring. They just see the black and white scenario — her daddy paid attention to her until you came into the picture.
While her dad should be cognisant of the fact that this parent-child relationship needs constant attention and maintenance, sometimes people get distracted in the moment. Thus, take the initiative to plan a daddy-daughter date for the two of them! Even better, ask her what she loves to do best with her dad and book the excursion.
This action not only solidifies that you do not want to change their relationship, but it shows that you genuinely care about her happiness. They say that actions speak louder than words for a reason. Take this sage advice!
4. Don’t Let This Affect Your Relationship
Building any relationship takes time. Imagine walking down the street with a friend. Your friend points to a random person and says “You have to become best friends with that person today!” The realistic response would be that that is an unreasonable request. This is basically how his daughter feels about you.
In addition, the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships conducted a study in 2018 that found that “Casual friendships emerge around 30 [hours of time spent together], followed by friendships around 50 [hours]. Good friendships begin to emerge after 140 [hours]. Best friendships do not emerge until after 300 [hours] of time spent [together].”
What does this mean? Give your relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter time to grow and be patient in the interim. Rome was not built in a day. Moreover, while your boyfriend picked you, she did not. This can leave her feeling forced to build a friendship with you out of obligation.
Put yourself in her shoes. She has likely gone through a good bit of change over the past few months to years and now she has to become friends with the person who is seemingly going to be her mother’s replacement. Give her some grace.
5. Never Stop Being You
Children are perceptive.
While they may not always understand the repercussions of their actions or words, they do comprehend sincerity. This means that putting on an act when your boyfriend’s daughter is around is not going to do you any favors. In reality, it is actually going to do you a disservice.
Be yourself, speak your mind, and treat her the way you would want to be treated. The Golden Rule is something that should be followed throughout the entirety of your life. Moreover, it becomes harder and harder to treat someone badly when there is no reaction to the negative gesture.
There is a reason that bullies thrive in certain situations. By reacting and constantly getting upset, you give them the power.
Do not let her negative behaviors dictate yours. It is likely that if you continue to be the bigger person, your boyfriend will intercede in these situations and remedy them for you. It also shows him that you are making a valiant effort to treat her with respect.
Final Thoughts – I Can’t Stand My Boyfriend’s Daughter
Remember that this scenario is normal. What is important is that you find a way to overcome it. Whether that be finding common interests or keeping your distance until you get on a better footing with her, there are solutions for moving forward.
However, if this is something that doesn’t change over time, it may be necessary to reevaluate your relationship. This is a person that will be in his life forever, so if you can’t move past this, it will be an issue for the rest of time.