Letter to My Stepdaughter Who Hates Me

Knowing what to say to a stepdaughter that doesn’t want anything to do with you is challenging. You feel hurt and concerned that she feels this way, but you’re left feeling powerless. Reaching out to her is an option, but you don’t want to say something off or offensive and make the situation worse. Crafting a letter to your stepdaughter that hates you could be the olive branch that opens her eyes to how poorly she has been treating you.

Let’s talk about some of the things you could include, get your point across and express yourself. You don’t want to upset your stepdaughter even more.

What to Include In the Letter to Your Stepdaughter

Although you love and trust your partner, dealing with a rude, hateful stepdaughter can be exhausting. Parenting someone else’s child can be extremely difficult to handle without the added spite. You don’t want to deal with constant tension and resentment every time you’re spending time with her.

Unless you completely avoid each other in the same house, the sooner you can interact without friction, the better. Finding the right words to express your feelings to her can be a challenge.

Letting your stepdaughter know how you feel about the way she is treating you is important. You don’t want this to continue or get any worse. You aren’t here to try to turn her world upside down or be a strict disciplinarian.

Don’t be picky and judge her about her clothing choices, friends, or actions. You are strictly a bonus parent and having her as a stepdaughter is a privilege and a gift for you. Tell your stepdaughter that you just want to have a good, healthy relationship with her, not change things or make her uncomfortable. 

Tell your step-daughter how proud you are to be a part of her life. Show some interest in the things that she enjoys. Be her biggest fan and show up to be a supporter at events that are important to her. Try to make a meaningful connection with your stepdaughter through mutual interests.

Find new things to talk to her about so you can build a quality connection with one another. Let her know that you support all of her efforts and are trying to find ways to build a closer relationship with her. She already has parents, you are just here to be able to spend your life with your partner and add some love and support to the family she already has.

Your Relationship with Your Step Daughter

It’s ok to become friends with your stepdaughter. You must be willing to respect her space and recognize your role. Trying to control someone else’s child is probably not going to make you much progress. You shouldn’t be handling major discipline, let her parents take care of that.

Tell your stepdaughter that you want to be able to laugh and have a good time with her. Try to keep the mood light and happy to avoid any disagreements and anger. You want everyone to be able to relax and settle in for a nice visit together when your stepdaughter comes over.

Keep your feelings in check when talking to your stepdaughter. Don’t let envy or jealousy creep in. You have to remember that she is still a child in all of this, she needs love and support from the adults in her life. It can be tough when it seems like your partner’s attention is always focused on your stepdaughter when she doesn’t want to hang around with you.

Take a step back when you need to. Give her some space and one-on-one time with your spouse. Let your stepdaughter know that you respect her feelings and want her to have access to quality time with your partner when she needs it. Reassure her that you don’t want to be a roadblock in their relationship. 

Discuss her attitude toward you and the emotions you’ve been experiencing as a result of the strain. Your stepdaughter could be so caught up in her own feelings that she is disregarding yours. Let her know that she makes you feel insignificant. Express how sad it makes you when she is rude or dismissive of your efforts. Your stepdaughter might not realize how much she’s been hurting your feelings until you tell her. She may start to feel bad for targeting you and make some adjustments.

Letter to My Stepdaughter Who Hates Me

If you’re feeling stuck, maybe you should look into some outside help. It never hurts to have the opinions of a professional to help you make decisions. If your stepdaughter continues to have a hard time dealing with you, don’t let the tension continue to build.

Ask your stepdaughter and your partner if a little counseling or therapy together might help the situation improve. It could make you all a little more comfortable and honest about your feelings if you’re talking to an uninvolved third party with some knowledge about these kinds of issues. We actually offer video and text consultations at Being a Good Parent if things are in need of more professional and specialized help.

There are some things that you want to avoid saying to your stepdaughter. You want your message to be as productive and meaningful as possible. Don’t include things that make her feel that you don’t like her. This is supposed to be a message about making an effort and fostering growth through support and love, not to point out any flaws or disappointments.

You want to make progress with this letter to your stepdaughter and build trust. You don’t want her to end up hating you even more because of something that sounds off or strange. You’re just trying to make the situation better for you both by putting your feelings out there. You don’t want to make her feel bad about herself or sound judgemental in the process. 

You don’t want to be a pushover, but you aren’t trying to become a disciplinarian either. This isn’t a punishment or chastising. Tell your stepdaughter that your goal is to have a family unit that includes everyone and feels stable and welcoming. Don’t criticize her behavior. Never put down her birth parents or make her feel like she isn’t good enough. Ensure her that you simply want to include her in activities that you’re doing and that you respect their existing family traditions. Keep your message positive and progressive.

Example Letter to Stepdaughter Who Hates You

Here’s a general example of a letter you could work on to express to your stepdaughter how you’re feeling:

Dearest Stepdaughter, 

You are a beautiful, amazing young woman. I am proud of your strength and courage. I am blessed to have the opportunity to have you in my life and to watch you learn and grow. I know that having me in your life hasn’t been easy.

I can feel the tension between us, and it makes me feel like I’m failing you as a stepparent. I’ve always hoped you would accept me. I’d love to be able to relax and have fun when we’re together, but I’m often worried about upsetting you. I’m trying to be patient and understanding. I know that your parents divorcing was probably painful and that healing takes time.

You already have two loving parents and I respect that. I don’t want to interfere with your relationships with them, nor do I want to try to take anyone’s place. I would love to just be able to sit down with you and talk about your interests and dreams. I just want to take the right steps to become closer to you. I respect your feelings and will continue to give you your space. Maybe someday you will enjoy spending time with me, and I would love that…

With Hope and Love Always.